How to Party with an Infant by Kaui Hart Hemmings

Author:Kaui Hart Hemmings
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster

How do you unwind?

My friend Annie unwinds with pot, though she isn’t comfortable telling anyone this. She has trouble talking with other mothers. She rolls her eyes at the acceptable truths and complaints—“We’re tired! We’re sick of the kids! We hate changing poopy diapers! We can never shower!”—and the acceptable definitions.

At the last SFMC meeting, this “unwinding” question came up with a group of moms. I looked at Annie, wondering what she’d say. Usually she just smiles and looks down, but she said to the group as if they were cross-examiners: “Mani-pedis. I get mani-pedis.”

Another woman said that to unwind she exfoliates. Yes, that’s right. Exfoliates. She takes long showers and tells the kids that Mommy is not to be interrupted. She clarified to us that she doesn’t use exfoliants from drugstores but rather, sophisticated scents with ingredients like brown cane sugar, Malaysian citrus, fennel, seaweed, and basil. “My husband says I smell like a pizza,” this woman said.

Annie and I thought she was making a joke, but then she added: “He has a poor nose for things—he’s from Minnesota.”

“Wow,” Annie said. “I should try it.”

This prompted the woman to go on. “You should! My latest exfoliant is a blend of black currant and Bulgarian roses. I also light scented candles—it’s sort of like pairing food and wine. The flavors all complement each other, but it has to be the perfect combination. I get lead-free wicks. Do not buy the scented candles from drugstores. They’re all cheap imitations and smell like, like, you know—a public restroom.” She sniffed the inside of her wrist. “Here. Smell. Delicious, right?”

Like a pizza.

Annie and I looked at each other and we seemed to be communicating the same thing: this conversation is happening. This is what we’re up against.

All Annie wanted was to be able to eat a brownie, then change her Facebook status to “I’m so high I can see the curvature of the world!” and get back comments that say “LOL!” “OMG!” “Got any more?” and “Me, too.”

Annie wanted her child to be able to go to any mother’s house. Annie wanted to be counted. I am going to include Annie’s brownies. They can be a bonus recipe. Because she exists here among us, and she’s a great mother and a fantastic, loyal, and exciting friend.

If you decide to make these, that’s your own deal. Don’t sue, judge, or complain if you end up curled into a ball watching Ocean’s Eleven. It’s better than a mani-pedi party, that’s for damn sure.

METHOD

Bring water to a boil, then put in a stick of butter and a load of marijuana (separate the seeds first—Annie plants hers in a nearby park). Let it cook for a half hour, then quickly strain out the plant matter. In your normal brownie recipe, replace the butter or oil with the new butter. Annie calls it “cannabutter.” Your kitchen may smell incriminating, but boy is it a treat. Now who’s the sneaky chef?

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